as sad as i feel right now, b/c of a song, i dont think i could possibly be happier. its the oddest feeling but in my sadness i feel complete peace and serinity and just good. The song is 100 years by Five for Fighting... It makes me sad because it makes me think of my life both past present and future and how i dont see my life as following that path. it makes me reflect on my relationship with kristen and just apply that to the future. I really want to have my own family (as my previous post may have indicated) and regardless of whether or not I wanted it to be with kristen I now have lost my sense of self. I dont think I'll ever find someone to fill the 'void' kristen left behind which may sound quite pessemistic and does make me sad but at the same time i feel in my heart that that will not stop me. i know that my mom raised me to have a big heart and i cant let that go to waste. as odd as it may sound...ive been recently wondering what the age min for adoption is and what/if id be a good parent. i look at all my friends and see in them such potential to be great parents and i know that they will be (*wink wink nudge nudge* maybe theyll need a godfather or best man or groomsman or priest), but then i wonder how id be. its kinda hard when you find someone you really love and want to spend the rest of your life with to find that they dont want to spend it with you, to me it reflects on my family skills in general. i have this nice idealized fantasty that ill go do the peace corps for 2 years after college and then study polish and perhaps fine tune some other language in Poland for x years, maybe one or two, and then i'll start my life in Poland or maybe back in the US. all my idealized dreams and hopes of a rebuilt relationship are probably to no avail but theyre all i have and i cant really drive them away. how can love be so wrong when it feels so right...?

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:14 AM